Tommy's First Birthday/transcript

[The episode opens up with the theme song and then the title card]

Backup Singers: Ba-ba!

[screen goes on to the cartoon]

[screen goes black]

Stu: Good morning, champ.

[Tommy opens his eyes and his parents appear with a ribbon that says Happy Birthday on his crib]

Stu and Didi: Happy birthday, Tommy!

[Stu blows a party gazooka at Tommy]

Didi: You're a whole year old today!

Stu: And boy have we got some great presents for you!

[Didi picks Tommy up and he giggles]

[Didi kisses Tommy]

[Didi makes Tommy giggle]

[Didi then changes Tommy's diaper]

Stu: ''Wait 'til you see my present, Didi! Did I tell you about the Hoverama prototype?''

Didi: You did, Stu.

Stu: Picture this, Didi, the body is about thirty-six inches long and about four feet in diameter...

(Didi lifts Tommy's lower body up)

Stu: Yikes!

Didi: Put in the pail, Stu, and hand me a fresh diaper!

[Stu takes Tommy's dirty diaper and gets a new one]

[Tommy's clothes are all on]

Stu: Anyway, the Hov-A-Rama's got three hundred pounds a lift and cruises at more than five miles an hour.

Didi: [to Tommy] Kootchie---

[Tommy grabs Didi's earring and yanks on it]

[Stu continues talking about the Hoverama while Tommy yanks on Didi's earring and giggles]

Didi: Let go of Mommy's earrings.

[Stu still talks]

Didi: ''Ow! Ow, ow, ooh!''

[Didi walks toward the door with Tommy pulling on her earring]

Stu: ..and one of those nine volt guys and that's not even including the remote control!

Didi: Mommy's earring's not a toy, Honey!

[Stu continues]

Stu: ''...this is my greatest invention yet, I tell you. Didi, it's gonna put all those other toys on the map.''

Didi: Okay! [goes to the book shelf and pulls out a book] Let's see what the book says. [flipping pages] ''Eating, technique, age 12 months. ''

[Stu gets out a can of strained carrots and pours it in a bowl on Tommy's high chair]

Didi: ''Stu, we're supposed to distract Tommy with a little play-acting. We pretend this spoon is actually---''

Stu: A space shuttle?

Didi: ''Lipschitz knows best, Stu. Now, lets try it.''

[Didi puts the book aside and Stu pretends the spoon is a space shuttle]

Didi: ''Okay, Tommy! Open the podvane door!''

[Tommy grimaces]

Didi: A little to the left, Stu!

[Stu puts it to the left]

Didi: ''Stu, lets do the birthday checklist. ''

Stu: Okay, sure.

Didi: ''Um---carrot-print cake with health nuggets. ''

Stu: Okay

Didi: Pin the tail on the donkey.

Stu: Safety version with suction cups, check.

[Tommy sees a pen in Stu's pocket]

Didi: The puppet show!

Stu: Oh, yeah, puppeteers, stage props, and puppets arrive at eleven.

Didi: Perfect!

[Stu and Didi kiss]

[Tommy is teething on Stu's pen]

Pop: ''A puppet show for a one year old?! Why, the little sprout's not even going to remember it!''

Didi: He'll remember this one, Pop, rated number one in Birthdays Magazine.

Stu: Besides do we want to be remembered as the family who always settled for less?

Didi: Look out, Stu, or you'll get strained carrots all over your shirt!

Stu: (gasps) ''This isn't working. Wait, I got an idea! ''

[Stu grabs a rubber ducky out of his pocket]

Didi: ''Oh, I don't know, Stu. All of my books recommend avoiding decoys.''

Stu: ''Trust me, Didi! You got to let him know who's boss. Look over here Tommy!''

[Stu shows Tommy the rubber ducky and makes it squeak, Tommy giggles]

[Tommy looks at the TV which shows a dog on it]

Cowboy: [on screen, holding a can of Husky's Choice dog food] ''Husky's Choice; they'll run farther and jump higher! So good, you'll almost wish you were a dog!''

[Tommy looks at Spike, who is eating dog food]

Didi: Here's your chance, lunge!

[Stu moves the space shuttle spoon  with strained carrots on it towards Tommy]

[Tommy giggles and smacks the spoon causing the strained carrots to fly onto Stu's shirt]

Stu: Oh no! My favorite shirt!

Didi: Oh dear!

Stu: ''I spent seventy-five dollars in this one! It's a George E. Larenti!''

Didi: I know, Honey.

Stu: It's irreplaceable!

[Tommy gets out of his high chair]

Pop: Oh, for the love of Bessy, it's just a shirt!

Stu: You think the stain will come out?!

Didi: Oh, I'm sure it will if we add it with....

[Tommy crawls towards Spike's food bowl]

[Tommy reaches for the dog bowl, but Pop grabs him]

Pop: ''Just a minute there, Scout! You don't want any of that! Yuck! What you want is some of the--''

[Pop and Tommy look at the bowl of strained carrots]

Pop: ''I see your point! ''

[Tommy looks at Spike's food bowl]

[The doorbell rings]

Didi: I'll get it!

[Didi leaves Stu, who looks at his shirt, and opens the door after she looks at herself in the mirror]

Didi: ''Hi Howard! Hi Betty! How are you?''

Howard: Well---

Betty: ''Swell, Deed! We're totally excited for this birthday thing, aren't we Howard?''

Howard: Well, Betty---

Betty: Oh, don't worry about Howard, Deed, he's a just a little fraz about all these kids.

Howard: Actually---

Betty: ''I mean, the twins are enough of an armload, and today we've got little Chuckster. Hey, don't think we could just pen these pups?''

[Pop is on a ladder hanging things on the ceiling]

Pop: ''Puppet show for one-year-olds? Why, when I was a spud, we didn't have puppets! If we wanted entertainment, we went out back and pulled up stumps. And we walked fifteen miles to the st---''

Betty: [slaps Pop on the back causing him to cough] Hey there, ol' chire, how are ya?

Pop: I've felt better!

[Betty hears Stu]

Betty: Is somebody excavating downstairs or what?

Pop: That would be Stu working on his Hova-what's it down in the workshop.

Betty: The Hova-what?

Pop: Don't worry, you'll hear all about it!

[The camera goes downstairs through the lock hole and shows Stu working on his invention]

Stu: Tommy's gonna love this!

[The screen cuts back to Tommy, Phil, Lil, and Chuckie in the playpen]

[Phil and Lil are playing pattycake, Tommy is crawling around, and Chuckie is kicking Tommy's ball, then he falls down]

Betty: Frisky little critters, aren't they?

[The camera shows Spike chewing a teddy bear]

Betty: Uh-oh, looks likes about to rip its leg off!

Didi: Spike, Spike, down, boy!

[Didi, Betty, and Howard run outside]

[The babies watch them from inside]

Tommy: Chuckie, Phil, Lil, I've just got one word to say to you.

Phil and Lil: What?

Tommy: Dog food.

Phil and Lil: ''Dog food? ''

Tommy: Dog food, I tried to get some from Spike's bowl, but Grandpa stopped me.

[Tommy kicks the ball to Chuckie]

Chuckie: Why would you want to eat that stuff?

[Chuckie kicks the ball]

Tommy: ''Well, Spike eats it and look at him! He can do anything he wants! He even gets to sleep in the flowers! Maybe if we eat that dog food, we'll turn into dogs!''

Pop: [outside to Spike] ''Shoo! Shoo! Get out of those flowers!''

Lil: You mean we could sleep in the flowers?

[Spike jumps on Pop and licks him in the face]

Pop: [to Spike] Down, down, get off of me, you big galoot!

Phil: And lick people?

Lil: And wear a color with our names on it?

Chuckie: ''I don't know, maybe it's not such a good idea! Dogs don't have it so good, they always got fleas and junk!''

Phil and Lil: ''Fleas?! Let's do it!''

[The babies walk to the end of the playpen but are stopped by Betty and Didi]

Didi: Oh, I almost forgot to put on their little party hats!

[Party hats are put on the babies]

Betty: Those will stay on for, oh, three minutes tops.

[Didi takes two pictures of the babies who rub their eyes]

Betty: Hey isn't it time to bust the pinata?

Didi: Let's wait 'til all the kids get here!

Betty: Who are we missing?

Didi: Tommy's cousin, Angelica.

Betty: Oh, right, Angelica!

Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: Angelica!

Angelica: [in a car seat in the back of Drew's car] When we get to the party, Daddy, can I play with little Tommy?

Drew: ''Sure, sweetie! Aunt Didi's baking a birthday cake, and there's going to be a puppet show! Uncle Stu says it's the best one in the whole world!''

[Angelica reaches for Tommy's present, but Drew puts the brakes on]

Drew: Well, here we are!

[Stu is rapping up the Hoverama in the basement and humming]

Stu's Invention: ''Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell!''

[Stu presses some buttons and a TV comes out with a hidden camera on it]

Stu: [reclining] Great, Drew's here!

[the camera comes out in Drew's face]

Stu: ''Hey, big bro! Hi, Angelica!''

Drew: Where are you, Stu?

Stu: ''I'm down in the workshop, finishing Tommy's birthday present. Wait just a second, I'll be right up!''

[Stu turns off the camera and opens the door]

[Stu kisses Angelica, Angelica giggles]

Drew: So, what are you working on this time?

Stu: ''I'm glad you asked me that question, Drew! One word, Hov-A-Rama.''

Drew: ''Hov-A-What? ''

Stu: ''It's a toy I've invented for Tommy. It's, I'm not kidding, its got three reverse thranthrusters all modelled vertically and then three on the back to turn the thing.''

[Angelica heads for the babies who all group up and cower]

Stu: Come downstairs and I'll show you, I'm just now wrapping it up.

[Didi enters the livingroom with a camera and party hat, she puts the party hat on Angelica]

[Didi snaps two pictures of Angelica and the babies and walks back into the kitchen]

Tommy: ''Um, um, hi, Angelica. So do you know anything about dog food?''

[Angelica lets go of Chuckie and Tommy]

Angelica: ''Listen, dummy, this may be your birthday, but when you open the presents, I get first dibs on the toys! What about dog food?''

Chuckie: Tommy thinks if he eats some, maybe he'll turn into a dog.

Angelica: You mean I could wear a color with spikes on it?

Phil: And chase cats!

Lil: And howl at the moon!

Angelica: Could I even bite the mailman?

[Phil and Lil shake their heads up and down]

Angelica: Let's do it!

Tommy: ''Yeah! Let's get some dog food!''

[Tommy draws a map of their plan]

[Spike goes towards the cake]

Betty: That is one hefty hunk of health food!

Didi: ''Puppets, puppets, puppets! Where are those puppets!''

Betty: Stay cool, Deed!

Didi: [talks about why she needs the puppets] ---and the puppets depend on the puppeteers, and the puppeteers were supposed to be here thirteen, no, fourteen minutes ago!

[the doorbell rings]

Betty: Maybe that's them now!

[Didi heads for the door]

Didi: Oh!

[Didi opens the door and Boris and Minka are there]

[Minka kisses Didi]

Didi: ''Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!''

Minka: [speaks Hebrew]

[Tommy is heading for the dog food but Minka picks him up]

Minka: ''There he is! Sweet little baby! ''[Minka speaks Hebrew to Tommy]

[Minka and Boris kiss Tommy]

Stu: ''Hi, Boris! Hi, Minka! Great, everyone's here, let's open the Hov---let's open the present.''

[All of the adults begin talking]

Didi: ''Let's see, this one's from Drew. ''

[A toy firetruck is inside]

Stu: ''Gee, Drew, do you think this will stimulate the kid's imagination, I mean what does it do? Where are the batteries?''

[Phil and Lil heads towards Tommy's present]

[Angelica heads toward Tommy's present and grabs it]

[Phil and Lil gasp]

Stu: ''Hey, Tommy! Here's a present from your ol' dad! Watch this, Drew.''

[Stu unwraps the Hov-A-Rama]

Boris: What is that thing?

Stu: This is the Hov-A-Rama!

Pop: ''Stu, are you off your nuts?! Tommy's not old enough for that gizmo! He-heck, I'm not even old enough for it!''

Stu: ''Anyone can work this thing, Pop! Here, let me show you.''

[Stu presses a button on the control device, but it doesn't turn the Hov-A-Rama on]

Stu: Oh, [chuckles] ''I guess I forgot the batteries. Now where did I put those little...''

Boris: ''Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... ''[speaks Hebrew]

Didi: ''Oh, Stu! I'm sure if you get it running, the Hov-A-What's it will be Tommy's favorite toy! Say, how about we open Howard's present.''

Tommy: Ooh!

Howard: ''It's a two-way cellular babie talkie. You put in his bedroom and take this thing around with you so you can make sure you know if the baby cries or something.''

Stu: I've heard about those things.

Howard: ''Only this one implies the latest technology. You can even talk back to the baby hands free.''

Drew: ''Wow! Can I see it? Squadron leader, this is Concrete Cowboy! Copy, over!''

Pop:

This transcript is up to 11 minutes and 55 seconds.